Life Contracts: November - December

November 2016. Around Thanksgiving.

We had taken a break from each other.

You had been seeing your ex again, the one you swore was the one for you. I told you all she

wanted was to use you but you didn’t believe me. I wouldn’t have believed me either. The girl

who was utterly and immensely in love with you telling you not to try with someone else, when

she desperately wanted you to try with her.

I was right, of course, and as your friend, which I have always been from the beginning, I was

there for you, even if it hurt me.I found a fling I disguised as another friendship to keep me from

falling in love with someone else, simply because I refused to.

But you had written to me telling me how it didn’t work out, and how you wanted to see me...I

said yes. And we had sex. Mind blowing sex. Sex so good I blanked out and found myself

drowning under pillows. Sex so good you actually cuddled with me.

When I went home you told me you wanted to kill yourself, that you hated living and that

everyone who you loved ended up leaving you with no explanation.

I wasn’t going to but that didn't matter.

December 19th.

You asked me to come over again. We were back on better terms but still weren’t together.

I knew your head wasn’t in the right place, but you needed to see me, so I went.

Sweats and a baggy shirt, I wasn’t trying to arouse you, but here we were again, fucking.

We didn't use a condom this time.  “I don’t even have strong sperm, you’ll be fine.”

I told you I loved you, looked into your eyes and waited for you to say it back. Instead you

kissed me.

We bathed, separately and I napped in your bed. We ate in silence and when I went home I  

told you I had loved the sex. You told me you’d regretted it. You knew how I felt about you,

and that it wasn’t fair.

You told me again you wanted to die. I didn’t hear from you all night. I thought I’d lost you. I

didn’t sleep. But I heard from you the next morning and you said you had fallen asleep.

Life Contracts: October 2017-September 2017

Life Contracts

By Elixandra Alvarez

October 2017.

I like to think I am not a mourner. Except for my baby.

September 28th 2017.

You kind of know when you’re expecting something to happen, and then it happens, and you don’t

know how to react? That’s what my grandmother’s death felt like.  As soon as I called Mami and

she tried to mask her sadness with calmness, something that she almost knows how to do well, I heard

my dad’s voice in the back “...la presion…” and knew. And I stalled because I knew it was going

to be a long day.

I got home and my dad was already gone. I sat next to my mom on the empty couch.

“She died didn’t she.”

“How’d you know?”

I shrugged. I was waiting for it. I wasn’t oblivious.

The thought of her sweet smile and her loving caring nature. One of my favorite people on this Earth

was gone. I smiled and cried for five minutes. . I would no longer taste her savory sancocho nor would

I hear her cuentos that would make us all laugh. No longer would I hear the timbre of her voice and the

peace in her soul, even while struggling with her heart. You would’ve looked at her and never guessed

she had weak arteries, that they were so clogged up that it was killing her and that her body was too

weak to even go through with the operation, you would’ve never guessed that the medicated patches

on her chest, medications, home remedies, and foreign drugs helped her stay alive for a while. She

made it to her 50th wedding anniversary with Papá, which is all she wanted. I had the privilege to

spend a day with her and my grandpa on his birthday last June and something told me it was the last

time I would.

September 29th, 2017.

It still wasn’t bothering me.

“I feel guilty...why am I not sad? I only cried once. What’s wrong with me?”

I really did not feel sadness. I didn’t feel like it was my place, I never did anything wrong. I loved her,

I care for her, and she to me so there was  nothing but happy memories of my grandmother. She was a devout woman, and was in heaven and was watching over us.

But why wasn’t I sad?

I wasn’t sad last October when my great grandmother died. She didn’t survive her last heart attack. I talked about

all the things that made my Nana, Nana. That’s all I thought about for a month. I didn’t cry.

Death was just a reality for me.

x

The Things We Know

The Things We Know

I know what love is.I didn't always feel like you loved me. Not when your grandfather died and you had to travel miles away, with no clear sign of return and I stayed up worried almost every night because you were in a foreign country and I couldn't communicate with you. I loved you then. I didn't know if you loved me during that visit to the doctor. I didn't know if you loved me when you let me stay on the train alone.But I know now. After your visit, which took almost two months to happen, I knew. I knew we shared the same pain and we still do. I realized after you laid with me on my couch and held me like I was going to disappear, and the words "I love you" finally slipped from your lips just as the thought of me leaving you formed in my mind. I knew you did when I cried because I loved you so much and  you kissed my wet face, making feel secure. I knew then that this was a start, a start of a new journey, the start of a new time in my life and yours. I knew this would last forever. I know you love me now and I know you will never stop.